Silent Sorority

Infertility Survivors Finally Heard

August 25, 2012

You’re The Author of Your Own Life

The life as a book metaphor isn’t new, but it does provide a novel way to infuse some creative license and fresh thinking into what can sometimes feel like stuff happening around and to you. I encourage those wrestling with what comes next to embrace the idea of becoming the author of your own life.

At the same time you’re contemplating your own existence and character development, you can also observe more closely those around you and their life story construction. It’s never been easier to do what with all the online forums, blogs and communities available.

With the first chapters of my life out there for all to read, scrutinize and discuss I am more conscious than ever about where the protagonist (aka moi) is headed. To ensure that I don’t focus on my story line in a vacuum, I’ve become a student of how others react and respond to what comes their way.

The chapter heading for my summer — after six consecutive weekends of family gatherings that included four weeks of extended family sharing our living space (note to self: get up early if you want to score some non-stale coffee or quiet time) — would have to be “Family Adventures.” I very much enjoyed being a hands-on aunt, daughter, sister, sister-in-law, cousin and niece. I not only got lot to spend lots of time playing hostess/tour guide, I learned more about what makes each of us tick. While the company was first rate, I also realized that I missed many aspects of my life as a family of two.

Now that everyone is back to their respective homes and routines, it’s time to hatch the next stage of my life. Without the hustle/bustle, there’s abundant quiet time to reflect. There are also more hours to read, write — and surf the web. With a newly brewed cup of coffee I dropped into a RESOLVE discussion earlier today about whether to pursue adoption or accept not being a parent — two very different sorts of lives. One comment in particular (one I’ve heard many times over) “don’t think of adoption as a consolation prize” took on a different meaning for me as I read further through the sometimes anguished discussion.

See also  New Philosophy: Everything To Gain

Since successfully conceiving and delivering a child is the goal of fertility treatments, it’s no wonder women and men are angst-ridden and at a loss when the outcome isn’t what they hoped to achieve. The fertility industry (now nearly $3 Billion a year), which focuses on the mechanics of fertility, is of little to no help emotionally as evidenced by one studyafter another. 

While it’s common to see adoption and consolation prize caution used in the same sentence no one ever talks about not parenting after infertility this way. Instead they typically whisper about the prospect with fear and dread. The conventional wisdom about those not parenting after infertility is that we’re somehow living a life “less than” one lived as a parent, or worse, our lives are perceived as one never-ending chapter lived unhappily ever after.

While the period between not succeeding with infertility treatment and the painful coming to terms with the loss of a dream is incredibly difficult — whether the decision is to adopt or not to parent — it also leads to conceiving a different narrative, a new set of chapters. We never know exactly where our stories will lead. For instance, who would have guessed that this blog would be included in a piece on the website
Certainly not me! 

We all experience obstacles, setbacks or challenges in our lives. How we respond to them is up to us. If you’re looking for some life metaphors constructs, I came across these thought-starters from Leonard Holmes, a clinical psychologist. He writes:

“We have to stand back a long way to see patterns like this in our lives. A few examples:

  • A Battle – Everything is a competition or a struggle. We are always either winning or losing.
  • A Garden – Relationships are cultivated like flowers or vegetables. We see things as growing, flowering, producing.
  • A Mission – We believe that we have the truth and we need to convince others that our point-of-view is right.
  • A Journey or an adventure – We travel from place to place meeting new people and exploring.
  • A Building – Starting with a solid foundation, then adding floors and rooms.
  • A Roller Coaster – Life consists of ups and downs, and we are along for the ride.
  • A Stained-glass window – full of light and colors.
  • A Mountain Climb – Life consists of hierarchies. We are always climbing the corporate ladder.
  • A Battery – Every encounter seems to drain energy. We need the weekends to recharge.
  • A Race – always finding the fastest route, “keeping up with the Jonses.”
  • A Courtroom – Everything in life should be fair.
  • Stepping Stones – We barely get comfortable where we are before we are looking for better job or a bigger house.
  • A Prison – Feeling like we don’t have choices, like others have all the power.
  • A Classroom – There are always new lessons to learn.”
See also  All Women Are Infertile Most of Their Lives

Is there one that feels more familiar than another? Fortunately we don’t have to settle for what someone else assigns us, and we’re not wedded to one metaphor indefinitely. We have the freedom to sample and see what fits best. As always, welcome your thoughts or stories of reinvention. 

Book Musings, Different Than I Expected, News Reports and Studies 6 Replies to “You’re The Author of Your Own Life”
Pamela Tsigdinos
Pamela Tsigdinos
Writer, blogger and, oh, yeah, infertility survivor. My memoir, Silent Sorority, tells the whole story. There's a movie in there somewhere. Given the quirkiness needed to relate it all I'm thinking Jennifer Lawrence would be a good fit.


6 thoughts on “You’re The Author of Your Own Life

    Author’s gravatar

    I really liked this, especially your thoughts that our option is never considered to be an option. And that it is not a consolation prize (or punishment), even if it wasn’t our first choice. I have a post brewing about this.

    And the list of metaphors was great. I could see people I know attaching to each one of the metaphors, and myself attaching to several. Worth thinking about some more too.

    I love a post that makes me think!

    Author’s gravatar

    Punishment — I hadn’t even considered that, Mali, but after reading your latest blog post and some of the comments, I’m reminded that some in society are quite comfortable implying or believing that we’re somehow deserving of a less than life for not trying hard enough…so much judgment, so little time.

    Author’s gravatar

    “…no one ever talks about not parenting after infertility this way”, or more specifically, no one ever talks about not parenting after infertility – full stop.

    The hardest part in trying to adjust to life after infertility is the sense that it’s not the right choice. Everyone I know is constantly trying to give me ‘hope’ that something miraculous will happen, and that my grief is clearly telling me that I should continue trying…. because no-one knows how to deal with option c: life without being a parent. This feels like the biggest taboo of all. Are we barking mad because there is light at the end of this tunnel, and it happens to be a life with just the two of us? I struggle with this, out of habit. Society struggles with this, and I guess I’m just starting to see that it’s not such a bad choice after all.

    This is a great post… and very timely for my own circumstances! There’s nothing that kills my confidence more than my nearest and dearest constantly implying that we’re living ‘less of a life’ for our choices. Even though we never meant to be in this position – we have to make a choice on what happens next, or we suffer. So I think I like the idea of becoming the author of my own life now, regardless of how many previous authors there have been.

    Author’s gravatar

    Greetings from Philadelphia, USA! I’ve just nominated you for “Inspiring Blog Award” and “One Lovely Blog Award.” :) You may choose to pass along the fun by giving me a shout-out, then stating 7 facts about yourself and nominating 15 bloggers whom you find inspiring. Here’s where you can find my post nominating you:
    Gina Marie

    Author’s gravatar

    Many individual authors, many different stories, many different happy endings – not all of them necessarily involving children. I know whenever dh & I go somewhere or do something new, we’ll say to each other “New adventure?” so I guess you know which category appeals to me. ; )

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