Silent Sorority

Infertility Survivors Finally Heard

May 3, 2010

Speaking a Common Language

Spring can bring unique and difficult encounters, as outlined by Lucy, a long-time blog reader from a country in Eastern Europe. I remember the first comment she made, and the instant connection we felt despite the miles and potential language barriers. Some experiences transcend ordinary words or lead to their own language and understanding. Fortunately, she speaks English fluently and shares these thoughts with us today:

I am the girl from page 151 of Pamela’s wonderful book. I’m not mentioned by name, but by country. Slovenia.  (I was so excited when reading the book I found the name and I new instantly it was me! I just love Pamela’s blog and all the friendly comments. I feel like I’m finding home.)

Everybody loves spring. It is warm and sunny. But there is one awful thing about the spring: mothers with babies are everywhere. Living in a small city, it is hard to avoid them. It is hard to avoid small talk. We all know the question: “So, how are you? Anything new?”

What can I tell? That I have a new job? That we just came back from lovely holidays in Argentina? That my heart is still broken because our 7th IVF didn’t work out? But I know what they are asking. No, no news. I am not pregnant and I will probably never be. I am nearly 40, so my biological clock is definitely tick-tocking.

I used to be a happy, sunny girl, with lots of friends. I used to go out with four other girls and we had so much fun together. And then within few years 8 beautiful healthy children were born. Of course I was happy for my friends, each time when the news came. But at the same time heartbroken for us.

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Once we had a coffee date – just 5 girls. And then they started  their mummy talk. And guess what – none of them even noticed that I hadn’t spoken a word for two hours. And then they started a new topic: how stupid are the women, who do not breastfeed. Because it increases the risk of breast cancer. Gosh, that was too much. I just left. And never returned.  I prefer to be alone as lonely among people.

During IVF treatments I met some new friends (some eventually got children, some divorced and got children with new partner, some adopted, some gave up and some are still hoping and trying). I learned one thing: infertility can either destroy a marriage or make it stronger.

Our marriage definitely got stronger. He is the love of my life. I love being with him.

Last year Maria, a good friend of mine from Spain, suddenly died, because of heart failure. (Maria, if you are reading my post from heaven, I miss you terribly!!) And with Maria’s death I realized that I have only one life. And if I am not happy in this life, when will I be?

I started to live life so that each day there is something I look forward and that makes my day nice. It can be a long walk through the forest, reading a nice book, or just surfing the internet and dreaming about the next one-month-holiday on another continent.

And I really hope that one day (when I am old and grey) I will be able to say: this is not the life that I planned, but no other life would I like to have more.

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Note: Not unlike the springtime challenges Lucy describes, we are days away from a dreaded Hallmark holiday here in the U.S. It’s hard not to feel under siege as a result of incessant, pervasive advertising. For more on how “non-moms” respond, you can read last year’s blog post .  I also encourage you to take a look at Kim’s research on Mother’s Day. We’ve come a long way from its humble beginning. If you have a guest post you’d like to share, please email me at ptsigdinos (@) yahoo dot com.

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Relationships, Tapestry of Voices 9 Replies to “Speaking a Common Language”
Pamela Tsigdinos
Pamela Tsigdinos
Writer, blogger and, oh, yeah, infertility survivor. My memoir, Silent Sorority, tells the whole story. There's a movie in there somewhere. Given the quirkiness needed to relate it all I'm thinking Jennifer Lawrence would be a good fit.

COMMENTS

9 thoughts on “Speaking a Common Language

    Author’s gravatar

    The Velveteen Principles (Limited Holiday Edition): A Guide to Becoming Real, Hidden Wisdom from a Children’s Classic by Toni Raiten-D’Antonio

    This is a book I just read that goes a long with your blog. It’s not about infertility or anything else in life particularly, but about being real in life and enjoying yourself and the life that you have been given, it was eye opening for me.

    Author’s gravatar

    “And I really hope that one day (when I am old and grey) I will be able to say: this is not the life that I planned, but no other life would I like to have more.”

    That is a lesson that took me a while to learn, but I did learn it. This is not the life I planned, but I am learning to be happy in it.

    Author’s gravatar

    Wow. This is exactly what I’ve been trying to do lately…make the most of the life I’ve been given. My husband and I just had a relatively normal weekend, and at one point when I was washing dishes, I realized that this is what our life is now, just the two of us, and it actually felt really nice.

    Author’s gravatar

    Wow. This is exactly what I’ve been trying to do lately…make the most of the life I’ve been given. My husband and I just had a relatively normal weekend, and at one point when I was washing dishes, I realized that this is what our life is now, just the two of us, and it actually felt really nice.

    Author’s gravatar

    Thank you Lucy. I just found out two hours ago our final IVF cycle (#7) has been canceled. Today ends 6 years of trying. Your words rang true to me today and gave me comfort. Thank you.

    Author’s gravatar

    Thank you for your kind comments. I really appreciate them.

    Author’s gravatar

    Sometimes it’s the little things we treasure most — like enjoying a quiet moment. Thanks, Julie, for sharing your moment…

    Author’s gravatar

    Great post, Lucy! I’ve been doing the same in my life – choosing to be happy and create things in my life I look forward to. It feels empowering, especially after the hopeless feelings that seem to go along with TTC.

    Author’s gravatar

    A really beautiful and touching post. I am especially touched by the statement ” I realized that I have only one life. And if I am not happy in this life, when will I be?” So true.
    And, dear Pamela, you and Stephanie have helped this be the first Mother’s day in years that doesn’t have me in a puddle of tears and grief. You make a difference by giving a voice to this often unspoken topic. Thank you.
    Looking forward to meeting you in person!
    xxoo

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