Skip to content

Silent Sorority

Infertility Survivors Finally Heard

Menu
  • My Story
    • Silent Sorority: Memoir
    • Coming2Terms Blog
  • About
  • Bylined Work
    • Times of London: The False Hope of ‘Fertility’ Benefits
    • NYT Op-Ed: The Big IVF Add-on Racket
    • STAT: Dark side of IVF
    • Do à la carte menus serve infertility patients?
    • New York Times Op-Ed: Selling the Fantasy of Fertility
    • WIRED: The Sobering Facts About Egg Freezing
    • FORTUNE: The Tough Truth About Egg Freezing
    • The Huffington Post
    • Medium ‘Human Parts’
    • Seleni Institute
    • New York Times Motherlode
    • Infertility’s Emotional Impact
  • In the News
    • MSNBC: Childless Not By Choice
    • STAT: IVF ‘add-ons’ rest on shaky science
    • IVF ‘Add-On’ Procedures Offer False Hope
    • Named ‘Top Health Blogger’ by Health Magazine
    • The Globe and Mail
    • The New York Times
    • MarketWatch – 10 Things Fertility Clinics Won’t Say
    • Women’s eNews
    • Radio: Living Childfree
    • Yahoo Shine Health Feature
    • The Broad Side
    • ABC TV Interview
    • Redbook
  • ReproTech Medicine Reporting
Menu

Post-Traumatic Growth

Posted on April 1, 2012March 8, 2016 by Pamela Tsigdinos

 

A recent conversation with Lisa Manterfield, a fellow blogger, validated the delicate balancing act required when writing about a topic that is deeply personal — one that has wide-ranging impact and carries the power to reshape our sense of identity and the way in which we grow and move forward in our lives. Lisa described watching a frog swim valiantly and hard across a pond before resting and regrouping, and how it gave it her pause to reflect on her own journey.

Further complicating matters, we don’t uniformly move in the same direction at the same time. Each of us on any given day, when we reflect on it, find ourselves at different stages when coming to terms with infertility or childlessness. The recovery is non-linear.

We’re often so caught up in trying to make sense of a complex experience that we can lose sight of the progress we’ve made. Not long ago I came to realize that I had in every sense survived the trauma of infertility. Over time I had climbed out of the emotional quicksand.  I now view infertility as something that happened to me. My interest today lies in exploring the legacy — what it’s taught me.

In a recent New York Times Magazine article on trauma, a reporter talks to two psychologists at the University of North Carolina, Charlotte, about their research on trauma survivors. They started their research by interviewing survivors of severe injuries. They went on to survey older people who had lost their spouses. “Person after person told them the same thing: they wished deeply that they had not lost a spouse or been paralyzed, but nonetheless, the experience changed them for the better.”

See also  Everything But the Kitchen Sink

Patterns emerged. Among the trauma survivors:

– they found a renewed appreciation for life;
– they found new possibilities for themselves;
– they felt more personal strength;
– their relationships had improved;
– they felt spiritually more satisfied.

They developed an inventory to track and measure positive changes associated with the phenomenon and coined the term “post-traumatic growth.”

The reporter, in talking to others, went on to write, “The way we cope with trauma is far more complex than once thought, and the way it molds us is similarly complex. We bend, we break, we repair and rebuild, and often we grow, changing for the better in ways we never would have if we had not suffered.”

He concluded that “for most people, change does not occur in a transcendent moment but over years of prosaic searching.”

Welcome your thoughts …
~~~~

Hat tip to Carmel, a previous contributor, who shared a link to an interview with Australian journalist and author Gillian Guthrie. Ms. Guthrie’s new book is called, Childless: Reflections on Life’s Longing for Itself. The podcast includes a discussion about the devastation associated with coming to terms with an inability to conceive, and the harsh judgment from society towards women without children. Warning: there is some discussion about challenges that can appear later in life. Ms. Guthrie discusses a recent heartache she experienced — that of missing out on the experience of having young adult children — a topic less explored as most conversations about childlessness focus on the baby and toddler stages. When asked why women remain silent about childlessness, she responded, “It’s a very private thing. There can be a feeling of fault…aspects of grief.” The interview covers quite a bit of territory from the trauma that accompanies losing children in silence and the alienation that women without children can feel in a child-centric society, best summed up by one of Ms. Guthrie’s subjects as “feeling like a fringe dweller.”

See also  Book Club: Silent Sorority Author Participates

Related Posts:

  • Two Wiser Women On Society and Motherhood
    Two Wiser Women On Society and Motherhood
  • Take Back Your Power and Identity
    Take Back Your Power and Identity
  • I'm Taking My Eggs and Going Home
    I'm Taking My Eggs and Going Home
  • Silent Sorority Gratitude and a Look Ahead to a New Generation
    Silent Sorority Gratitude and a Look Ahead to a New…
  • Not Having Children After Infertility 'An Assault to Identity'
    Not Having Children After Infertility 'An Assault to…
  • Hello Strangers: I'm an Infertility Survivor and I'm Not Ashamed to Say It
    Hello Strangers: I'm an Infertility Survivor and I'm Not…

16 thoughts on “Post-Traumatic Growth”

  1. Mali says:
    April 1, 2012 at 9:56 pm

    I agree with this very much. I did a lot of soul-searching, a lot of thinking, and it was only several years after learning that I would never have children that I realised I could look back, see how I had changed, and appreciate that.

    Thanks too for the link to the interview. I found it interesting, although it did rather skim over some very important points. It was quite nice to hear a sympathetic interviewer too, even though the inevitable issue of “why don’t they adopt?” still came up.

    Reply
  2. loribeth says:
    April 2, 2012 at 1:29 am

    Thanks for the link; I will listen to the podcast later. Since going through infertility & stillbirth, I have felt a greater sense of kinship with others who have gone through some kind of traumatic loss, even when it’s very different from mine. Grief & bereavement form a powerful bond.

    Reply
  3. Klara says:
    April 2, 2012 at 4:05 am

    I loved this sentence and couldn’t agree more:

    “We bend, we break, we repair and rebuild, and often we grow, changing for the better in ways we never would have if we had not suffered.”

    Reply
  4. Christina says:
    April 2, 2012 at 1:26 pm

    I greatly appreciated you providing both the link to the interview and the book. I don’t have Kindle at this time, but I read the two chapters available on amazon in full. I often find that outside of America, this complicated topic is treated in a more nuanced way.

    I wish such a book could find a foothold in the American market, as the issue is over-simplified in the typically internet polarized way: you’re either heartbroken childless or kicking up your heels child-free.

    Most women wind up childless for complicated relationship and career reasons that have nothing to do with infertility per se.

    I love the idea of having a “Childfree” lunch. That’s one movement I would like to see go viral!

    Reply
  5. SIF says:
    April 3, 2012 at 3:05 am

    I was just talking to a friend this past weekend about some of the things in my life I have GAINED because of infertility. Something about acknowledging the good that came out of something that hurt me so deeply felt uncomfortable and wrong at first, and I was having a hard time acknowledging that good (if only because I know I would trade it all for a baby tomorrow), but… there are definitely blessings that have come out of this and ways in which I really have grown so much as a person. That really is kind of amazing when you think about it.

    Reply
  6. Sue Fagalde Lick says:
    April 6, 2012 at 6:26 pm

    Thank you for this post. I agree that we gain a lot through our losses. Not having children and then losing my husband almost a year ago was a double whammy, but I believe I am stronger, wiser, more sympathetic, and more able to understand what’s important and what’s not worth worrying about. I do see new possibilities opening up as I figure out my future path. Do I still feel waves of sorrow. All the time. But I’ve learned that I can survive them.

    Reply
  7. Pamela says:
    April 9, 2012 at 2:37 pm

    Well said. You are so right, Christina — the nuance gets completely overlooked here in the U.S. 

    I’ll be hosting a virtual lunch here with Gillian, who has graciously agreed to provide a guest post…stay tuned! 

    Reply
  8. Pamela says:
    April 9, 2012 at 2:41 pm

    Appreciate your thoughts, Sue. You are indeed a strong women. Thanks for showing us grace personified.

    Reply
  9. Bea says:
    April 22, 2012 at 11:57 am

    Great thoughts on post-traumatic growth, and loved your guest post.

    Bea

    Reply
  10. Pingback: PTG « thebitterbabe
  11. Beth says:
    December 17, 2012 at 11:00 am

    reposted on thebitterbabe.wordpress.com

    Reply
  12. Sheila says:
    December 19, 2012 at 8:03 am

    Being childless, not by choice is hard enough. Being childless and husbandless (relationshipless) feels unbearable. I feel like a modern day leper, especially during the holidays!

    Reply
  13. Pingback: Treasure Trove of Truth: Blogging Infertility - Silent Sorority
  14. Pingback: Two Wiser Women On Society and Motherhood - Silent Sorority
  15. Pingback: The Joy of Being an Infertile* Woman - Silent Sorority
  16. Pingback: Childless Not by Choice: A Conversation with Civilla Morgan - Silent Sorority

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

My Books

Popular Posts

  • Infertility Community’s Black Sheep: Women Who Don’t Achieve Motherhood
  • Dear Abby Strikes Out On Infertility, Childless Not By Choice Question
  • Infertility Community: A Microcosm of Society Misunderstandings and All
  • Strong At The Broken Places
  • Not Having Children After Infertility ‘An Assault to Identity’
  • Ending Fertility Treatment Equated with Madness?
  • Life After Infertility: One Decade, Many Thoughts
  • IVF Rollercoaster: BBC Radio Show Callers Describe ‘Grueling, Painful, Isolating, Roll of Dice’
  • Defining Abuse in Assisted Reproductive Technology
  • The Invisibleness of Infertility: To Pass or Not to Pass?

Subscribe to New Blog Posts

 Subscribe in a reader

Archives

Tags

Avalanche bioethics change Childless childlessness conflict culture egg freezing emotions expectations fertility industry fertility treatment friendships grief growth guest post healing health heroines identity infertility IVF Jessica Hepburn Jody Day journey lessons loss media motherhood myths narrative non-moms psychology reinvention relationships research RESOLVE silent sorority society stigma survival trauma travel truths what ifs

Categories

  • An Act of Kindness
  • Another Perspective
  • Bioethics
  • Book Musings
  • Changing Perceptions
  • Choices
  • Different Than I Expected
  • Documentary
  • Fortitude
  • Guest Post
  • Linking Around
  • Movies
  • News Reports and Studies
  • Pandemic
  • Pop Culture
  • Psychology
  • Relationships
  • Remembrance
  • Spontaneity
  • Strength Personified
  • Tapestry of Voices
  • The Cycle Relay Forum
  • Uncategorized
  • What I Wish I'd Know Then

Recent Comments

  • Pamela Tsigdinos on In Limbo Once Again: Long COVID This Time
  • Cathy Broadwell on In Limbo Once Again: Long COVID This Time
  • Pamela Tsigdinos on In Limbo Once Again: Long COVID This Time
  • dublinerInDeutschland on In Limbo Once Again: Long COVID This Time
  • Pamela Tsigdinos on In Limbo Once Again: Long COVID This Time

Blogroll

  • A Blank New Page
  • Bent Not Broken
  • Childless By Marriage
  • Conscious Childless Elderwomen
  • Des meandres aux etoiles (French)
  • Different Shores
  • Elaine OK (German)
  • Ever Upward
  • Femme Sans Enfant (French)
  • Finding A Different Path
  • Gateway Women
  • Infertile Phoenix
  • Infertility Honesty
  • It's Inconceivable
  • Jessica Hepburn's Blog
  • Just Being
  • Lavender Luz
  • Lesley Pyne
  • Life Without Baby blog
  • MSNBC – Life After IVF
  • No Kidding in NZ
  • Other side of the threshold (Swedish)
  • ReproTechTruths
  • Sitrrup Queen's Blogroll
  • SlidingDoors
  • Slow Swimmers & Fried Eggs
  • The Dove Cote
  • The Empty Cradle (Brisbane)
  • The Infertility Voice
  • The Next 15,000 Days
  • The NotMom
  • The Road Less Travelled
  • Uber Barrens Club
  • Walk in Our Shoes
© 2023 Silent Sorority | Powered by Superbs Personal Blog theme