Skip to content

Silent Sorority

Infertility Survivors Finally Heard

Menu
  • My Story
    • Silent Sorority: Memoir
    • Coming2Terms Blog
  • About
  • Bylined Work
    • Times of London: The False Hope of ‘Fertility’ Benefits
    • NYT Op-Ed: The Big IVF Add-on Racket
    • STAT: Dark side of IVF
    • Do à la carte menus serve infertility patients?
    • New York Times Op-Ed: Selling the Fantasy of Fertility
    • WIRED: The Sobering Facts About Egg Freezing
    • FORTUNE: The Tough Truth About Egg Freezing
    • The Huffington Post
    • Medium ‘Human Parts’
    • Seleni Institute
    • New York Times Motherlode
    • Infertility’s Emotional Impact
  • In the News
    • MSNBC: Childless Not By Choice
    • STAT: IVF ‘add-ons’ rest on shaky science
    • IVF ‘Add-On’ Procedures Offer False Hope
    • Named ‘Top Health Blogger’ by Health Magazine
    • The Globe and Mail
    • The New York Times
    • MarketWatch – 10 Things Fertility Clinics Won’t Say
    • Women’s eNews
    • Radio: Living Childfree
    • Yahoo Shine Health Feature
    • The Broad Side
    • ABC TV Interview
    • Redbook
  • ReproTech Medicine Reporting
Menu

Gather Round Women: So You Need Some Help With Your ‘Mommy Problem’

Posted on November 11, 2014January 2, 2019 by Pamela Tsigdinos

With an impish look on his face my husband innocently asked if I’d read The New York Times opinion section recently.

Minutes later — with the requisite cartoon steam coming out of my ears — I was harrumphing my way through Our ‘Mommy Problem.’  I could also be heard grumbling and exclaiming loudly:

Finally figured out what I’ve been writing about since 2007 did you…?

Besides both having nearly unpronounceable last names, the op-ed author, Heather Havrilesky, and I do not share a lot in common with our current ways of life. What we clearly do agree on is how irritating the “M” word can be in the wrong context, as she wrote with this statement:

Why does this word [Mom or Mommy] irritate me when the wrong person says it?

Word, Heather! This ‘problem’ is one I’ve been writing about from the other side for quite some time. A spin through some of my previous blog posts illuminates the issue further. This cultural phenomenon has been picking up momentum for the past decade.

The Positioning Exercise  (September 2007)

Momzilla Alert (February 2007)

Where did it begin? Look no further than many of the self-proclaimed Soccer Moms, Tiger Moms and Mom’s Club banner wavers who proclaimed their mom-itude loudly and often, which not surprisingly, caught the attention of marketers, who, reinforced by armies of Mommy Bloggers and those with Twitter handles who establish their mom status right up front, established entire campaigns aimed at “the Moms.” And the pendulum embracing all things mother has swung pretty far since the modern women’s movement. The organizers from the 1960s and 1970s would be hard pressed to reconcile today’s cultural shift as I made clear in this post:

See also  Sheryl and Erin Mix it Up

45 Years After Rossi, Mommies Propagate Prejudice (November 2009 via Open Salon Editor’s Pick)

If you think it’s irritating to be addressed with this label by the wrong person, try being the only non-mom in a room full of smug moms starting sentences self-righteously with “As a Mom…”

Yep, not so fun to be marginalized or condescended to, is it?

As I made clear in this post, The Unintended Consequences of Placing ‘Moms” on Pedestals, which coincidentally came together after listening to political convention speakers invoking their parental superiority (ala Michelle Obama and Ann Romney), the damage goes far beyond simple annoyance or an eye role. The calling out or elevation of parental status not only creates divides it can often imply unequal value for those who don’t count parenting among their day-to-day responsibilities but contribute a great deal to society in many other meaningful ways.

It’s the rare but happy occurrence now when I meet a woman for the first time and only discover — well into a business or social conversation on any number of varied topics — that she might have a relation that calls her mom, mother or ma.

You’ll never hear me referring to anyone as my “mom friends” (or my “infertile friends” for that matter) because to me they are simply friends. I’m not alone in thinking this way. One friend — who happens to be raising children — like Heather, can’t abide hearing women incessantly dropping the “m” word.

On more than one occasion we’ve each found ourselves stepping in, like referees, to keep the mom-itude in check.  Let’s just say we’ve seen more than our fair share of fouls and penalties in recent years.

See also  Prince Harry and I Agree: Bury Grief at Your Peril

Moms: We Hear You Loud and Clear (November 2009)

So dear readers, do you see this ‘mommy problem’ getting better or worse these days?

Related Posts:

  • Spring Break, Spring Cleaning and Springing Forward
    Spring Break, Spring Cleaning and Springing Forward
  • Tokenism Takes a New Form
    Tokenism Takes a New Form
  • M.O.M. -- From Today Forward It Means 'Mentor of Many'
    M.O.M. -- From Today Forward It Means 'Mentor of Many'
  • Oh, Betty! I So Get You
    Oh, Betty! I So Get You
  • On Sisterhood, Healing and Dreaming Big
    On Sisterhood, Healing and Dreaming Big
  • Hello Strangers: I'm an Infertility Survivor and I'm Not Ashamed to Say It
    Hello Strangers: I'm an Infertility Survivor and I'm Not…

4 thoughts on “Gather Round Women: So You Need Some Help With Your ‘Mommy Problem’”

  1. Kinsey says:
    November 11, 2014 at 4:38 pm

    So let me get this straight….The premise of the NYT article is that women want to be elevated on to some kind of pedestal when they have children but they also get to complain when they get unwanted attention for being a mother? Apparently “mom” or “mommy” can be both the greatest term of endearment and the foulest of curse words? That must be tough! (Just so we’re clear, that was said with as much sarcasm as I can muster before I’ve finished my first cup of coffee.)

    I think the ‘mommy problem’ is getting worse, and truthfully I think that social media and is a huge contributor to the divide. There’s always been an effort to keep up with Joneses but I think that social media has taken this to a whole new level. Now, instead of trying to keep up with family, friends, and neighbors, people are trying to keep up with people that you don’t even really know like that girl that you had one class with in your freshman year of college. The instant nature of social media makes it so easy to compare your life with that of others (I’m guilty of it myself).

    I also think that media’s portrayal of parenthood is part of the problem. I mean, how often do we see stories about non-parents or even stories about parents where the fact that they are parents isn’t mentioned at all or not as a primary theme of the news story? I remember when Marissa Mayer was named CEO of Yahoo. The news didn’t focus on all of the awesome things that she’s done or the credibility she as to succeed in the position, no, it focused on the fact that she was pregnant.

    Reply
    1. Pamela Tsigdinos says:
      November 12, 2014 at 4:30 am

      I did finding myself saying, “huh? seriously?” … bit of whiplash trying to sort out which, uh, camp wants what.

      Reply
  2. loribeth says:
    November 12, 2014 at 3:49 am

    Glad to see you writing about this! :) I saw the NYT article too (& a related Motherlode blog post — see http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2014/11/10/our-real-mommy-and-daddy-problem-your-children-are-your-problem/ ) & thought it was amusing that at least some moms themselves appear to be “mommied out. ” I thought the writer made some good points about how “The current culture demands that every mother be all in, all the time.” But I think it’s important to make the point that “woman” does not necessarily always equal “mother.” And thankfully, there were at least a couple of comments along the lines of “If YOU’RE tired of hearing about mommies, imagine what it’s like for those of us who don’t have children??”

    I wouldn’t say things are worse than they were before — but I wouldn’t say they’re a whole lot better either. We still have a long way to go. But the fact that moms themselves are starting to rebel, even a little, against the ubiquitous mommy label and culture, is a good & hopeful sign — not to mention the growing strength of our own childless/free voices.

    Reply
  3. Mali says:
    November 13, 2014 at 6:30 am

    I certainly have friends who are mothers who would hate being referred to as a “mommy” (or, as the case may be, “mum” or “mummy”). I can think of one in particular, a currently-serving NZ Ambassador, who would skewer any man for suggesting she was ‘just’ a “mum.” I’d love to see them try! I’m having two friends over tonight for an evening of food and discussion – they’re both mothers, but you can guarantee the discussion won’t be all about their children. (That’s why we’re friends!)

    I guess I feel we’re all in this together – mothers who don’t want to be categorised as mothers and nothing else, regardless of their achievements, and those of us who aren’t mothers and want to be seen for who we are. I wonder how much of it has to do with the changing nature of feminism, the lack of understanding (as I see it) or different understanding (as they probably see it) of younger generations towards feminism, idealisation of motherhood and the place of women in society. I think it’s getting worse myself – I really do believe that in many ways women 20 years ago had more freedom than they do today.

    (And now I’m going to have to go read all those posts of yours that I missed in the past – or at least, save them to Pocket for weekend reading.)

    Reply

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

My Books

Popular Posts

  • Not Having Children After Infertility ‘An Assault to Identity’
  • Infertility Community’s Black Sheep: Women Who Don’t Achieve Motherhood
  • IVF Rollercoaster: BBC Radio Show Callers Describe ‘Grueling, Painful, Isolating, Roll of Dice’
  • Defining Abuse in Assisted Reproductive Technology
  • Casting off Chains of Infertility: Fertility Diary, The Life of Pi and Search for Peace
  • Life After Infertility: One Decade, Many Thoughts
  • Dear Abby Strikes Out On Infertility, Childless Not By Choice Question
  • Identity after Infertility and Failed IVF
  • Infertility Community: A Microcosm of Society Misunderstandings and All
  • Ending Fertility Treatment Equated with Madness?

Subscribe to New Blog Posts

 Subscribe in a reader

Archives

Tags

Avalanche bioethics change Childless childlessness conflict culture egg freezing emotions expectations fertility industry fertility treatment friendships grief growth guest post healing health heroines identity infertility IVF Jessica Hepburn Jody Day journey lessons loss media motherhood myths narrative non-moms psychology reinvention relationships research RESOLVE silent sorority society stigma survival trauma travel truths what ifs

Categories

  • An Act of Kindness
  • Another Perspective
  • Bioethics
  • Book Musings
  • Changing Perceptions
  • Choices
  • Different Than I Expected
  • Documentary
  • Fortitude
  • Guest Post
  • Linking Around
  • Movies
  • News Reports and Studies
  • Pandemic
  • Pop Culture
  • Psychology
  • Relationships
  • Remembrance
  • Spontaneity
  • Strength Personified
  • Tapestry of Voices
  • The Cycle Relay Forum
  • Uncategorized
  • What I Wish I'd Know Then

Recent Comments

  • Permission to Feel Emotions Deeply - Silent Sorority on Childless Not by Choice: A Conversation with Civilla Morgan
  • In Limbo Once Again: Long COVID This Time - Silent Sorority on Parallel Universe Reveals Hard Truths
  • In Limbo Once Again: Long COVID This Time - Silent Sorority on A Sad Daughter Confronts the End of the Long Goodbye
  • In Limbo Once Again: Long COVID This Time - Silent Sorority on Pandemic Elicits Curious Time Space Musings
  • In Limbo Once Again: Long COVID This Time - Silent Sorority on Forever Changed … Again

Blogroll

  • A Blank New Page
  • Bent Not Broken
  • Childless By Marriage
  • Conscious Childless Elderwomen
  • Des meandres aux etoiles (French)
  • Different Shores
  • Elaine OK (German)
  • Ever Upward
  • Femme Sans Enfant (French)
  • Finding A Different Path
  • Gateway Women
  • Infertile Phoenix
  • Infertility Honesty
  • It's Inconceivable
  • Jessica Hepburn's Blog
  • Just Being
  • Lavender Luz
  • Lesley Pyne
  • Life Without Baby blog
  • MSNBC – Life After IVF
  • No Kidding in NZ
  • Other side of the threshold (Swedish)
  • ReproTechTruths
  • Sitrrup Queen's Blogroll
  • SlidingDoors
  • Slow Swimmers & Fried Eggs
  • The Dove Cote
  • The Empty Cradle (Brisbane)
  • The Infertility Voice
  • The Next 15,000 Days
  • The NotMom
  • The Road Less Travelled
  • Uber Barrens Club
  • Walk in Our Shoes
© 2023 Silent Sorority | Powered by Superbs Personal Blog theme