Skip to content

Silent Sorority

Infertility Survivors Finally Heard

Menu
  • My Story
    • Silent Sorority: Memoir
    • Coming2Terms Blog
  • About
  • Bylined Work
    • Times of London: The False Hope of ‘Fertility’ Benefits
    • NYT Op-Ed: The Big IVF Add-on Racket
    • STAT: Dark side of IVF
    • Do à la carte menus serve infertility patients?
    • New York Times Op-Ed: Selling the Fantasy of Fertility
    • WIRED: The Sobering Facts About Egg Freezing
    • FORTUNE: The Tough Truth About Egg Freezing
    • The Huffington Post
    • Medium ‘Human Parts’
    • Seleni Institute
    • New York Times Motherlode
    • Infertility’s Emotional Impact
  • In the News
    • MSNBC: Childless Not By Choice
    • STAT: IVF ‘add-ons’ rest on shaky science
    • IVF ‘Add-On’ Procedures Offer False Hope
    • Named ‘Top Health Blogger’ by Health Magazine
    • The Globe and Mail
    • The New York Times
    • MarketWatch – 10 Things Fertility Clinics Won’t Say
    • Women’s eNews
    • Radio: Living Childfree
    • Yahoo Shine Health Feature
    • The Broad Side
    • ABC TV Interview
    • Redbook
  • ReproTech Medicine Reporting
Menu
joy

Finding Joy Beyond Childlessness

Posted on June 4, 2018June 17, 2019 by Pamela Tsigdinos

Childlessness and joy are rarely used in the same sentence.

Lesley Pyne, however,  has devoted the past few years digging into the reality of childlessness. Her quest? To understand how to process the losses, carve out a new path and rediscover joy. It’s all in her new book, Finding Joy Beyond Childlessness: Inspiring Stories to Guide You to a Fulfilling Life.

As Jody Day, who writes the book forward, reminds us “the room called childlessness has many doors.”  This is further underscored in Finding Joy Beyond Childlessness. You will find the book broken into several sections. Each gently guides readers with tools, insights and real stories. You’ll read about how Lesley and other women (yours truly included) managed to cast off the demons and exit the horror house that often accompanies the deep sorrow of involuntary childlessness.

Lesley’s door into the childlessness room is the same one I passed through. We each responsibly followed the rules, put our faith in medicine and plunged forward with a host of tests and treatments, including several rounds of IVF.  And then … do Lesley’s words sound familiar?

We knew we needed to draw a line in the sand but it was incredibly hard. We were never offered support or help of any kind and felt as if we were the only people in the world who couldn’t have children. Only our parents knew and most of our friends had children so talking to them felt impossible.”

Childlessness in the Raw

Those who have visited her blog will be familiar with Lesley’s no-nonsense voice. Here’s another sample:

I use the term childless here. To be honest I hate it and it’s not a label I claim. It seems bizarre to define ourselves by something we don’t have, but to date I haven’t found anything better and it’s what many people search for online, so I use it with reluctance. Some say that in time you get to a place where you call yourself childfree. I don’t. To me childfree describes those who made a conscious choice not to have children. Childless describes those of us who wanted to be a mother and when it didn’t happen, struggled to come to terms with our life. You thought that motherhood was your path, and now that it’s not going to happen you don’t know who you are in the world.”

Like me, Lesley once held her story inside, but that didn’t serve either of us well. Those who have found themselves lost deep in the emotional maze and malaise that accompanies failed IVF will find another soul sister. She explains:

“Having this big secret damaged so many important friendships. Owning my story and telling it openly, has enabled me to integrate it into my life, and without this big secret many of my friendships are now deeper.”

Finding Fulfillment

It is one thing to come out on the other side of involuntary childlessness. It’s quite another to find fulfillment. As Jody noted:

The process of transformation isn’t comfortable, pretty, convenient, or fun. It’s one that we humans resist fiercely because it means letting go of what we know in order to become a version of ourselves we haven’t met yet.”

Damn straight.

See also  On Tribal Loyalties

Lesley first surfaced in my life five years ago on Twitter.  In July 2013 she emailed me with her story and we have since shared blog posts, Tweets and discussions. Her first comment is captured here on this blog post. Later, in 2014, she set out to interview her tribe.  She reached out to women like me who wrestled with many of the same questions she had. One of my favorite questions posed was what’s my six-word memoir. After some thought, I arrived at this: Shattered Life Creates Unexpectedly Beautiful Mosaic. (Feel free to leave your six-word memoir in the comments section here).

Her book reminds me just how little was once available to women blindsided by childlessness and the very real limits of reproductive medicine. Thankfully, we have a new addition to the bookshelf. I was fortunate to get an early copy and shared this response:

There’s nothing quite so daunting as personal reinvention in the wake of trauma and loss. In sharing her story and the learnings of others who patched themselves up the hard way, Lesley Pyne gently guides readers down a path to discover and embrace one’s true self.”

Living the Life You Have

I know how helpful her book would have been for me when I was in the early days of my reinvention. My life has changed as a result of putting it all out there and clearly Lesley’s has, too. It is a joy to see her transformed through her work. As I wrote, and she shares, in chapter 16:

Many people don’t realise until they retire or become an empty nester how they want to invest their time or evolve themselves; or the way they go about their day to day. We are thrust into that position unwillingly. And as a result, we are given a chance to shape our lives younger than most people. There is flexibility that presents itself and we have to decide is that luxury – an opportunity – or a constrictor. I see it as an opportunity.”

After much hard work, Lesley has found her true self.  In doing she has not only blossomed but created a tangible resource to help others in their transformation. I’l leave you with this lovely quote–one of many that appear in Finding Joy Beyond Childlessness. (It came by way of another soul sister — fellow author and blogger, Jessica Hepburn. She is among the women Lesley features in her book):

There was another life I might have had, but I am having this one.” Kazuo Ishiguro

~~

See also  Fertility Industry Brings Brave New World Closer: Are We Truly Ready?

p.s. Like Lesley, I’m working hard to be my best self. That includes my efforts to promote better health education and accountability in the IVF industry. Lesley did a podcast interview with me on this very topic not long ago. If you have a story you’d like to share on ReproTechTruths, please ping me in the comment section or via email at info (@) reprotechtruths.org

Related Posts:

  • Grief Is a Form of Love
    Grief Is a Form of Love
  • Infertility and Childlessness in Focus
    Infertility and Childlessness in Focus
  • Australian & American Leaders: Whose Got the Tougher Perception to Overcome?
    Australian & American Leaders: Whose Got the Tougher…
  • 'Fess Up. What Are Your Blind Spots?
    'Fess Up. What Are Your Blind Spots?
  • Post-Traumatic Growth
    Post-Traumatic Growth
  • Tokenism Takes a New Form
    Tokenism Takes a New Form

8 thoughts on “Finding Joy Beyond Childlessness”

  1. Sarah says:
    June 5, 2018 at 1:23 pm

    Thanks for the eloquent review, Pamela. I’ve pre-ordered my copy and am very much looking forward to reading it.

    Reply
  2. loribeth says:
    June 6, 2018 at 4:44 pm

    I am in the middle of my own advance copy right now. :) Wouldn’t it have been great to have a book like this when you & I were first facing childlessness & fumbling our way forward?? But even though I am now almost 17 years down this road less travelled, I still learned things from this book. I love Lesley’s emphasis on stories, and how we are the stories we tell ourselves. So true!

    Lesley profiled me on her blog a few years back and asked me for my own six-word memoir… mine is “Loved and lost, survived and thrived.” :)

    Reply
  3. Cristy says:
    June 7, 2018 at 9:29 am

    This is a fantastic review for another book that is very needed in the world.

    I’m completely with Leslie: I hate the term childless, given that it doesn’t come close to representing what this community is. And yet, it’s the gateway many use to find this community. That said, you’ve also pointed out so potently that defining people is limiting, even though society relies on terms and definitions to bin people. Lots to think about.

    Reply
  4. Mali says:
    June 17, 2018 at 8:35 pm

    Oh, I love that you had the quote from Kazuo Ishiguro to end with! I’ve just written my review of the book too. And yes, if only we’d had this book when we were going through us.
    I’ve always loved your six-word memoir from Lesley’s site – mine was

    “Grief healed, and I met myself.”

    Then I cheated, because it was five years ago around the time of my Lemons to Limoncello sojourn in Europe and the Middle East, and asked for another –
    “When life gives lemons, make limoncello!” Lesley certainly is doing that now.

    Reply
  5. femiint says:
    June 21, 2018 at 10:01 pm

    Lovely blog.. thanks for sharing

    Reply
  6. Jane P (UK) says:
    August 30, 2018 at 4:44 am

    Thank you Pamela – I’ve made it through the past 5 years by following you, Jessica, Mali and Lisa at LWB. I would like to add my 6 words as they struck me this year as I started to journey out of the darkness. Taken I admit from the Life of Brian!

    Hello Birds, hello trees – I’m alive

    Reply
  7. Pingback: Myth Busters and Mythical Places Inspire Change - Silent Sorority
  8. Pingback: Social Media and 'Sharenting' Revisited - Silent Sorority

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

My Books

Popular Posts

  • Ending Fertility Treatment Equated with Madness?
  • Not Having Children After Infertility ‘An Assault to Identity’
  • Dear Abby Strikes Out On Infertility, Childless Not By Choice Question
  • Infertility Community: A Microcosm of Society Misunderstandings and All
  • Defining Abuse in Assisted Reproductive Technology
  • The Invisibleness of Infertility: To Pass or Not to Pass?
  • Life After Infertility: One Decade, Many Thoughts
  • Infertility Community’s Black Sheep: Women Who Don’t Achieve Motherhood
  • Casting off Chains of Infertility: Fertility Diary, The Life of Pi and Search for Peace
  • Strong At The Broken Places

Subscribe to New Blog Posts

 Subscribe in a reader

Archives

Tags

Avalanche bioethics change Childless childlessness conflict culture egg freezing emotions expectations fertility industry fertility treatment friendships grief growth guest post healing health heroines identity infertility IVF Jessica Hepburn Jody Day journey lessons loss media motherhood myths narrative non-moms psychology reinvention relationships research RESOLVE silent sorority society stigma survival trauma travel truths what ifs

Categories

  • An Act of Kindness
  • Another Perspective
  • Bioethics
  • Book Musings
  • Changing Perceptions
  • Choices
  • Different Than I Expected
  • Documentary
  • Fortitude
  • Guest Post
  • Linking Around
  • Movies
  • News Reports and Studies
  • Pandemic
  • Pop Culture
  • Psychology
  • Relationships
  • Remembrance
  • Spontaneity
  • Strength Personified
  • Tapestry of Voices
  • The Cycle Relay Forum
  • Uncategorized
  • What I Wish I'd Know Then

Recent Comments

  • Permission to Feel Emotions Deeply - Silent Sorority on Childless Not by Choice: A Conversation with Civilla Morgan
  • In Limbo Once Again: Long COVID This Time - Silent Sorority on Parallel Universe Reveals Hard Truths
  • In Limbo Once Again: Long COVID This Time - Silent Sorority on A Sad Daughter Confronts the End of the Long Goodbye
  • In Limbo Once Again: Long COVID This Time - Silent Sorority on Pandemic Elicits Curious Time Space Musings
  • In Limbo Once Again: Long COVID This Time - Silent Sorority on Forever Changed … Again

Blogroll

  • A Blank New Page
  • Bent Not Broken
  • Childless By Marriage
  • Conscious Childless Elderwomen
  • Des meandres aux etoiles (French)
  • Different Shores
  • Elaine OK (German)
  • Ever Upward
  • Femme Sans Enfant (French)
  • Finding A Different Path
  • Gateway Women
  • Infertile Phoenix
  • Infertility Honesty
  • It's Inconceivable
  • Jessica Hepburn's Blog
  • Just Being
  • Lavender Luz
  • Lesley Pyne
  • Life Without Baby blog
  • MSNBC – Life After IVF
  • No Kidding in NZ
  • Other side of the threshold (Swedish)
  • ReproTechTruths
  • Sitrrup Queen's Blogroll
  • SlidingDoors
  • Slow Swimmers & Fried Eggs
  • The Dove Cote
  • The Empty Cradle (Brisbane)
  • The Infertility Voice
  • The Next 15,000 Days
  • The NotMom
  • The Road Less Travelled
  • Uber Barrens Club
  • Walk in Our Shoes
© 2023 Silent Sorority | Powered by Superbs Personal Blog theme