Skip to content

Silent Sorority

Infertility Survivors Finally Heard

Menu
  • My Story
    • Silent Sorority: Memoir
    • Coming2Terms Blog
  • About
  • Bylined Work
    • Times of London: The False Hope of ‘Fertility’ Benefits
    • NYT Op-Ed: The Big IVF Add-on Racket
    • STAT: Dark side of IVF
    • Do à la carte menus serve infertility patients?
    • New York Times Op-Ed: Selling the Fantasy of Fertility
    • WIRED: The Sobering Facts About Egg Freezing
    • FORTUNE: The Tough Truth About Egg Freezing
    • The Huffington Post
    • Medium ‘Human Parts’
    • Seleni Institute
    • New York Times Motherlode
    • Infertility’s Emotional Impact
  • In the News
    • MSNBC: Childless Not By Choice
    • STAT: IVF ‘add-ons’ rest on shaky science
    • IVF ‘Add-On’ Procedures Offer False Hope
    • Named ‘Top Health Blogger’ by Health Magazine
    • The Globe and Mail
    • The New York Times
    • MarketWatch – 10 Things Fertility Clinics Won’t Say
    • Women’s eNews
    • Radio: Living Childfree
    • Yahoo Shine Health Feature
    • The Broad Side
    • ABC TV Interview
    • Redbook
  • ReproTech Medicine Reporting
Menu

Don’t Ignore…There’s More Than One Infertility Ending

Posted on April 24, 2012January 1, 2016 by Pamela Tsigdinos

Now that the shock, stigma and the ensuing hairball of emotions that infertility exploded on me has dissipated, I’m happy to report that with each year (nearly nine) post-treatment, life has become better than good. And, furthermore, my reproductive organs are thrilled, positively delighted, to be out of the limelight.

It’s also a relief not to be wracked with shame, guilt or feelings of failure.

It didn’t come easy, casting aside the infertility baggage, but these days I much prefer to focus on the non-reproductive aspects of my life and the freedom that comes with reinvention.

I was fully prepared to let the “youngsters” focus on National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW), this year themed “Don’t Ignore Infertility.”

There was something, though, about reading Lisa’s post, Don’t Ignore…The Life Without Baby Option, though that pulled me back into the conversation. That’s because the vast majority of NIAW blog posts, testimonials, infertile twibbon-wearing women focus on infertility through the lens of trying to conceive — or we hear from mothers recalling the devastation infertility once wrought on their lives. The voices missing or hard to discern over all the cooing (or kids fighting) are those who walked a thornier post-infertility path.

Thornier because once infertility treatment ends — without the result we once hopefully sought — it is akin to having the door slammed behind you or being cast into the wilderness. The infertility industry (and it’s now reaching nearly $4B a year) is focused solely on those in treatment. There’s another monstrous market focused on mothers. If you’re not, well, you are O-N Y-O-U-R O-W-N.

That is unless you stumble across the not-easy-to-find online, but without question, eclectic, charming, passionate, extraordinary and strong group of women who, left to their own devices, are making their own way and extending a hand to those just coming onto this path, one that doesn’t involve mothering in the classic sense, but they are nurturers nonetheless.

See also  Looking Out for Our Sisters In a World of False Fertility Claims

I’ll have more to say on this rarely researched group of women when I get the go-ahead from the Dr. Marni Rosner to share a link to her research, Recovery From Traumatic Loss: A Study of Women Living Without Children After Infertility. It contains all sorts of “ah ha” moments and insights about what we’ve lived through and how we survived.

Meanwhile, I thought I’d share one other link, a story in The Globe and Mail, that still blows my mind because it includes my name (aka the “non-famous”) along with an assorted set of celebrities. Amid the obsession about celebrities getting pregnant, those of us in this “silent sorority” who can’t or didn’t get pregnant are finally getting into the collective consciousness … slowly but surely.

As always, welcome your thoughts…

 

Related Posts:

  • The Human Side of Failed IVF
    The Human Side of Failed IVF
  • No Wonder I Was Such a Head Case
    No Wonder I Was Such a Head Case
  • Kindness Comes in Many Forms
    Kindness Comes in Many Forms
  • I Was The Elder Price of Infertility Treatment
    I Was The Elder Price of Infertility Treatment
  • Happy T(w)ogether, Thank You Very Much
    Happy T(w)ogether, Thank You Very Much
  • Reader Mail Around the Globe: Discovery, Validation, Comfort
    Reader Mail Around the Globe: Discovery, Validation, Comfort

14 thoughts on “Don’t Ignore…There’s More Than One Infertility Ending”

  1. mlo says:
    April 24, 2012 at 7:02 pm

    Being the nightmare ending is why I haven’t really had much to say lately. I debated whether I would even participate, and, for a variety of reasons, decided not to this year. I applaud you for putting yourself out there. Your story has helped me in so many ways.

    There isn’t enough done for those of us for whom infertility treatments failed. And, unfortunately, very little done to help us understand what we may be in for due to our infertility diagnosis from a medical standpoint.

    Women’s healthcare zeros in on our reproductive organs as long as they are being used to have babies – or prevent us from having babies. Not much is made of those who despite pursuing all viable options, never were able to have babies.

    The reasons behind our infertility are being increasingly tied to other diseases which many physicians are ill-prepared in educating us and helping us move forward with the proper awareness. After all, for a goodly portion, infertility treatments have taught us not to trust our bodies anymore. Our bodies betrayed us. We need to relearn to know our bodies and the signals it gives us.

    There are a myriad of issues that are rarely discussed or given voice to among those who are not childless by choice.

    Reply
  2. loribeth says:
    April 24, 2012 at 6:21 pm

    Once again, you are so right, Pamela, on all counts here. We HAVE been ignored, even within our own infertility community — and yes, I find it amusing that we are so ignored by marketers, when we’re probably the ones with far more disposable income than either mothers or people still in treatment.

    I saw the Globe & Mail article & was tickled to see your name alongside Beyonce & Jessica Simpson. I thought it was really a good article (for once!!). And I’m looking forward to the results of Dr. Marni’s study!!

    Reply
  3. Lori Lavender Luz says:
    April 24, 2012 at 8:29 pm

    Thanks to writers like you and LoriBeth and Dr Marnie, women who live childfree not by choice are less on their own than ever before.

    Congrats on the mention and for making the discussion about the Everywoman (non-famous) rather than just about celebrities.

    Reply
  4. Pamela says:
    April 25, 2012 at 12:05 am

    You’re participating here, MLO, and for that I’m honored. You are so right about the lack of fundamental knowledge and education about infertility — not to mention the interwoven nature of disease and how ill equipped many are to address the non-obvious. Knowing our bodies is essential. I wish you much good health and happiness. 

    Reply
  5. Pamela says:
    April 25, 2012 at 12:29 am

    Thanks, Lori. It feels good to nurture in a different but no less satisfying way…

    Reply
  6. Lisa says:
    April 25, 2012 at 12:34 am

    I love that you are able to look back on your hellish journey with some degree of humor. Time heals…and what have you.

    Thanks for coming out from behind your celebrity shades and continuing to speak out for us all.

    Reply
  7. Mali says:
    April 25, 2012 at 4:51 am

    Bravo – for the post, and the comments too. There really is very little inclination for anyone to try to understand us, what we might have achieved getting where we are, the struggles we’ve been through and the victories we’ve had. Which is why we need to shout it from the rooftops – if only to each other at first.

    Reply
  8. Kate B says:
    April 25, 2012 at 3:13 pm

    Once again, I think we go back to the reason we are ignored is that we represent the result that every woman going through infertility fears. And while you are going through treatment, who can imagine that you could live a happy life if your treatments result in anything but taking home a live baby. Those of us who have come through treatment without a baby and lived to tell about it need to continue to talk about it.

    Reply
  9. Marni says:
    April 25, 2012 at 9:25 pm

    Thanks for another fabulous post, Pamela, about the “ensuing hairball of emotions” (love that!) being in the rear view mirror. It’s so important to continually convey this message – that there is a good life awaiting us if we can open up to its possibilities (like being mentioned in the same article as Jon Hamm – be still my heart!). Thanks for the congrats.

    Reply
  10. battynurse says:
    April 26, 2012 at 10:12 pm

    Very well said, you continue to be an inspiration to me!

    Reply
  11. Kathy says:
    April 27, 2012 at 1:59 am

    Wonderful post Pamela! I am glad that Lisa’s blog entry pulled you back into the conversation. Reading her NIAW post also moved me to write something when I was not feeling very inspired to contribute this year.

    I appreciate all that you shared here, helping me to better understand your life without children after infertility.

    I know that NIAW is more focused on raising awareness in the fertile world, but this year I am loving getting more insight into the points of view of the many unique paths that people takes on their journeys through infertility.

    Reply
  12. Pamela says:
    April 27, 2012 at 2:39 am

    Lisa rocks — as do all who have come through infertility and life’s hardships and stand willing to share generously their time and experience to help others!

    Reply
  13. the misfit says:
    April 29, 2012 at 5:42 pm

    Thank you, thank you, thank you for this essential post. When I first started my blog (three years ago! I know, that’s nothing on your record), I was trying to focus on this idea of getting away from the status of being in treatment – hence “BEING infertile.” Because we’re more than a cohort that’s DOING treatment; we should be BEING something worth being at the same time.

    This post (and its comments) are so relevant to me right now. I turned 30 in February and last week I got a prescription for depo. I’ve never used any kind of contraceptive, and now (just shy of 7 years ttc) I am recognizing that treatment has failed and is no longer worth the financial, physical and above all emotional toll. But my endometriosis is getting worse and I am increasingly in pain, and though the doctors don’t want to talk about it except in the very theoretical sense, the end stage of endo is uterine cancer. Because of this disease, I’ll never have a child, and I’ve wasted way too much of my life trying. I’m not going to die young for no good reason as well. I thought I would go from a general miasma of sadness to a return to the early-IF devastation with this step, but instead I feel an incredible lightness. I’m tired of being in pain. I’m tired of wondering when my cycle starts late. I’m tired of HAVING a cycle when I know that with each passing day it spreads a disease that is ruining all my internal organs. I’m also tired of being told, “But you’re so young” (and hearing, “Have you considered adoption?” No, that had NEVER OCCURRED TO ME, thank you for bringing it up!), and I will be glad to have an answer with some finality to give. I TRIED TO HAVE A CHILD. TREATMENT FAILED. MY GOAL IS TO RECLAIM MY HEALTH AND DO GOOD THINGS WITH MY LIFE.

    I can’t wait to read Marni’s dissertation!

    Reply
  14. Jen says:
    August 16, 2012 at 12:03 am

    I’m with Kathy – happy that you (Pamela) came back into the conversation even when feeling like it’s a part of life you’re completely over…. it’s the ‘now’ of your experiences that are enlightening me.

    It is, as Kathy says, “helping me to better understand” our lives as they are now, after silently dealing with so much trauma. Learning how to live right here, right now – that is what so many of us crave help with. Our unqiue histories bring with them unique challenges, and we are always going to be a minority group.

    So I have found this site to be, without a doubt, the best line of support and guidance (no pressure there!) And learning about folks who’s lives are now “better than good” – that is what makes me see the possibilities to be able to say that too.

    Reply

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

My Books

Popular Posts

  • The Invisibleness of Infertility: To Pass or Not to Pass?
  • Casting off Chains of Infertility: Fertility Diary, The Life of Pi and Search for Peace
  • Ending Fertility Treatment Equated with Madness?
  • Infertility Community’s Black Sheep: Women Who Don’t Achieve Motherhood
  • IVF Rollercoaster: BBC Radio Show Callers Describe ‘Grueling, Painful, Isolating, Roll of Dice’
  • Not Having Children After Infertility ‘An Assault to Identity’
  • Dear Abby Strikes Out On Infertility, Childless Not By Choice Question
  • Life After Infertility: One Decade, Many Thoughts
  • Infertility Community: A Microcosm of Society Misunderstandings and All
  • Identity after Infertility and Failed IVF

Subscribe to New Blog Posts

 Subscribe in a reader

Archives

Tags

Avalanche bioethics change Childless childlessness conflict culture egg freezing emotions expectations fertility industry fertility treatment friendships grief growth guest post healing health heroines identity infertility IVF Jessica Hepburn Jody Day journey lessons loss media motherhood myths narrative non-moms psychology reinvention relationships research RESOLVE silent sorority society stigma survival trauma travel truths what ifs

Categories

  • An Act of Kindness
  • Another Perspective
  • Bioethics
  • Book Musings
  • Changing Perceptions
  • Choices
  • Different Than I Expected
  • Documentary
  • Fortitude
  • Guest Post
  • Linking Around
  • Movies
  • News Reports and Studies
  • Pandemic
  • Pop Culture
  • Psychology
  • Relationships
  • Remembrance
  • Spontaneity
  • Strength Personified
  • Tapestry of Voices
  • The Cycle Relay Forum
  • Uncategorized
  • What I Wish I'd Know Then

Recent Comments

  • Pamela Tsigdinos on In Limbo Once Again: Long COVID This Time
  • Cathy Broadwell on In Limbo Once Again: Long COVID This Time
  • Pamela Tsigdinos on In Limbo Once Again: Long COVID This Time
  • dublinerInDeutschland on In Limbo Once Again: Long COVID This Time
  • Pamela Tsigdinos on In Limbo Once Again: Long COVID This Time

Blogroll

  • A Blank New Page
  • Bent Not Broken
  • Childless By Marriage
  • Conscious Childless Elderwomen
  • Des meandres aux etoiles (French)
  • Different Shores
  • Elaine OK (German)
  • Ever Upward
  • Femme Sans Enfant (French)
  • Finding A Different Path
  • Gateway Women
  • Infertile Phoenix
  • Infertility Honesty
  • It's Inconceivable
  • Jessica Hepburn's Blog
  • Just Being
  • Lavender Luz
  • Lesley Pyne
  • Life Without Baby blog
  • MSNBC – Life After IVF
  • No Kidding in NZ
  • Other side of the threshold (Swedish)
  • ReproTechTruths
  • Sitrrup Queen's Blogroll
  • SlidingDoors
  • Slow Swimmers & Fried Eggs
  • The Dove Cote
  • The Empty Cradle (Brisbane)
  • The Infertility Voice
  • The Next 15,000 Days
  • The NotMom
  • The Road Less Travelled
  • Uber Barrens Club
  • Walk in Our Shoes
© 2023 Silent Sorority | Powered by Superbs Personal Blog theme