At 29 I learned I might have some infertility issues. For the next 11 years I tried a range of methods and treatments to conceive. You name it, I tried it. When it became evident that no amount of “trying” would produce a baby, my husband and I reluctantly got off the infertility treatment roller coaster. In February 2007 I began the blog Coming2Terms to give voice to what it’s like to live with infertility in a fertile world. It led to the book Silent Sorority, available at Amazon, Barnes & Noble and many other online stores.
The Coming2Terms blog and what led me to create it became the basis for a feature in The New York Times.
I just heard about your blog and looking forward to reading more. I am 35 and have literally been through the “fertility ringer” a week ago they removed my fillopian tubes and so IVF is our last hope. I am angry, devastated, sad, etc. For years I have been told so many different things and spent so much money on fertility that I feel like giving up the hope of conceiving a child.
Dear Pam,
I finished reading your book yesterday. I could not stop reading it, and finished it within a couple of days. It was such a wonderful experience to finally feel that I was not the only person in the world who thinks and feels the same way about infertility. I had been so frustrated at the world for so many years, and for the lack of compassion from people and for the terrible damage that stereotypes have brought to our humanity. That we as women have no value if we are not married and have children by a certain age. Your book gave me the strength to make decisions, to set deadlines, and to make sure I do not stop living the beautiful life I have, and that I have put on hold for all these past years. I really wish one day we will live in a world in where infertility is not a taboo and in where us infertile are no longer blamed, left alone and misunderstood. A world that is all inclusive and that it doesn’t value women for fitting in the stereotypes of society. Thank you so much for becoming our voice.
Dear Marjie,
So very happy that you found a sense of validation! I craved that same thing so very much once — and like you — felt reinvigorated when I found it. There is nothing so powerful as knowing that we are understood. I wish you much success moving forward. I look forward to hearing about where your beautiful life takes you. xo, Pamela Jeanne
Thank you! I recently discovered your book & blog and I feel a sense of relief that I belong to a group of women who understand my struggle.
We didn’t go through the infertility roller coaster as long as most, we had a later start (married later in life) and a set back with infidelity (the two I-words in my life). But I made it, so now what? Finding your book on acceptance and moving on came at the right time. Thank you!
Dear Vicki,
You are definitely among those who understand your struggle. As I’ve said many times there is nothing more validating than being understood. So glad you are moving ahead. xo, Pamela Jeanne
Hi!
I am now in a similar position to you were when you started off on your journey!
I did the same as you.. sat down on front of the computer and started to google what to do once ivf was over for good. However I struggled to mind people talking about it. Possibly because they don’t want to? Possibly because they don’t have a platform on which to do so! Who knows. But I felt like I needed to talk about it! And getting it down into a blog felt like the right thing to do! I’ve only just started and I’ve definitely not found my blogging feet yet! But thank you for writing this article. It’s good for people to know they aren’t alone and it’s ok to talk about this! It’s not something to be ashamed of!
Hello ladies!! This is the first blog of this sort I’ve ever looked for…I used to think I am a strong enough person to handle anything on my own. almost an year after my 2nd spontaneous abortion I only sink deeper in a depression getting to the realization that I might never be a mom. I live with a woman and she successfully gave birth to 2 beautiful angels who we love endlessly. The plan was to both have kids and live happily ever after. oh well…as Pamela said it is a matter of identity and femininity and I simply don’t cure regardless how happy we are for our 2 babies. I just wanted to share with you ladies, you are not alone, our fight is probably the toughest of all – I hope to find the meaning of life without my savior coming …I am sure you understand me. xo
I’m so happy to find communities like this one. My husband and I started trying to conceive when I turned 30. After a decade of being on the roller coaster, deep pain, grief, countless alternative treatments, detoxes, healings, therapy, the death of my father and a close friend, mum’s illness, life & marriage crises we decided not to pursue IVF or adoption and just to move forwards and enjoy the life we have. Neither me or my husband have siblings. Happily our 2 mums are still with us. My mum is nearly 80 though and I feel afraid to lose her too. Our beautiful big fur baby died a few months ago. He was 9 and had witnessed the whole journey with us. We now have a 3 month old pup so another journey begins. I thought I’d cried all my tears but just watched a movie called ‘Gifted’ with a gorgeous uncle/niece relationship and it’s set me back into the well of grief. I’m trying to face the next part of my life and move forwards with my creative life, some positive things are happening, I have some kind friends but some days feel hard. I hope I can bring something fulfilling and meaningful to life in this next decade, and create more belonging & family somehow, even if that’s not a child, it’s my deepest desire.