Silent Sorority

Infertility Survivors Finally Heard

June 9, 2021

I’ve Looked At Clouds from Both Sides Now

Clouds carry the power of emotions like few things in nature. They all but cry out for attention and hold our gaze with their expressiveness and shifting forms and colors. How can we not look at these dynamic skyscapes?

Now, I’ve never been a deeply spiritual person in the classic religious sense, but I’ve always stood in awe of nature and the intensity it reveals through seasons and landscapes. I easily find something to mirror my emotions — from vibrant flowers to bird songs to dancing leaves to churning waves to stillness in the night sky.

Clouds As Connections

Clouds, however, have taken on new significance in the weeks since I last wrote. I search the skies often, alternating between a penetrating curiosity and a softer, wistful heart since my father passed on. Do clouds signal some deeper, ethereal connection?

Grief and loss, as I recall well, lead us to ask many probing questions. They also forces us to examine our identities, our relationships, expectations and sense of the world around us. As I’ve written before: grief is a form of exploration.

Much like my heavy, tossing thoughts, the clouds on one day were ponderous, the next day roiling, and, before long, fleeting. Clouds HeavyClouds snowstormClouds Beach

Sadness ebbs and flows when we’re figuring out how to navigate grief and find our equilibrium. Experience taught me this truth: we always grow strong at the broken places.

Cumulus, Cirrus and More

So, on my various walks and sunset visits to the majestic and mighty Lake Tahoe, some 2,000 steps from our front porch, I’ve watched clouds dance by in various shapes, speeds and colors as though they’re trying to communicate something. Last week, an angelic sky revealed calming clouds that turned pink, peach and lavender as the sun set.

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Today, as I contemplated my upcoming birthday this weekend—the first when I won’t hear my father sing Happy Birthday in his natural harmony—a spectacular colorful prism of color appeared in the middle of the day’s walk amid the clouds. (Zoom in to see it.)

It was as if my father was reminding me: ‘Pammy keep your eyes and heart open. You never know what awaits to surprise and delight.’

cloud rainbow

I will leave you, kind readers, with the same sentiment. Let me know in the comments what has delighted and surprised you of late.

Meanwhile, thank you for allowing me extended time away to sit with my thoughts. I hope to have the energy and focus to get back to engaging and commenting on blogs. But, first, a road trip down the California coast awaits. You can be sure I’ll look for more spiritual signs from above and around me.

And if you’d like to read Joni Mitchell’s song, you can find the Both Sides, Now lyrics here.

Relationships, Remembrance 6 Replies to “I’ve Looked At Clouds from Both Sides Now”
Pamela Tsigdinos
Pamela Tsigdinos
Writer, blogger and, oh, yeah, infertility survivor. My memoir, Silent Sorority, tells the whole story. There's a movie in there somewhere. Given the quirkiness needed to relate it all I'm thinking Jennifer Lawrence would be a good fit.


6 thoughts on “I’ve Looked At Clouds from Both Sides Now

    Author’s gravatar

    Ive long been fascinated by clouds. The shapes and forms dictated by the seasons and weather are also powerful reminders of life. I’m glad that the clouds are connecting you with nature as you work through your grief. It’s a reminder that I need to do the same. Life continues, despite of loss, and there’s so much beauty in watching that unfold while also grappling with an ending.

    Sending love and light to you as you approach your birthday while navigating grief

      Author’s gravatar

      How lovely to hear from you, Cristy! Thank you, dear friend, for your kind and insightful observations.

    Author’s gravatar

    I love clouds. I took some photos on my recent road trip purely of clouds. I may post them. I remember taking comfort in nature after my father died – both on a trip to a beach, and later in Canada watching an eagle soar, a sight he would have loved to have seen. I think I became more connected with nature some years before when I lost pregnancies – everything was brought into stark relief, and nature brought me comfort and joy, though not always immediately.

    Recently, I’ve been taking great pleasure in the South Island’s autumn colours, and the low light. I was constantly amazed and delighted at the glowing colours of the leaves as the sunlight hit them, and even loved the leaves on the roads and paths. Maybe because we don’t get them here, and so I have never had to rake them! (I posted some pics on A Separate Life).

      Author’s gravatar

      I so enjoy your photography, Mali, and hope to experience your magnificent country one day in person.

    Author’s gravatar

    I get this. My grandfather was an inveterate weather-watcher, and taught me what kinds of weather different cloud formations indicate. As you’ve probably seen in some of my social media photos, we’ve got a great view of the northwestern sky from the floor-to-ceiling windows of our condo. The sunsets have been a bonus we didn’t expect when we bought this place!

    There’s a Canadian ice dance couple, Paul Poirier & Piper Gilles, who used Joni Mitchell’s “Both Sides Now” for their competitive long program last year — the later version she recorded as an older woman.

    (My favourite program of theirs, though, was the one they skated to Don Maclean’s “Vincent” a few seasons back. Exquisite!)

    Author’s gravatar

    I enjoyed watching clouds as time also pass by. Love the movements and I usually take a time-lapse video of it. And If I fell stress or tired, watch the video on my phone. It is so relaxing especially during sunset.

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